Wow! What a weekend! First off, I want to say how thankful I am that my friends in Texas and Louisiana are safe! None of them had any damage of homes or power loss so far. My thoughts and prayers were with them all during the rampage of "Ike"...Glenn, MaDonna, Tara, Michael, Brian, Doretha and the entire Bourn family. I hope you all find a reprieve from mother nature and stay safe and dry!
This has been a very reflective week for Dale and me. Dale got some bad news about one of his uncles that has been diagnosed with end stage bone cancer. He also has another uncle that is in a battle for his life fighting drug abuse. It's just made us take a hard look at what really matters in life and has found us pouring over old family photographs trying to capture a sense of who and what we came from.
I recently scanned in literally HUNDREDS of pictures into my computer from my childhood. And I guess Dale had never taken the time to look at them. So, Saturday night when he came up to bed he said, "I feel like I know you just a little bit better." I looked at him confused and asked him what he was talking about. He said, "I was just looking at all those pictures of when you were a little girl, and I think I've figured out a little bit more about your personality."
I thought it was sweet of him to take the time to look through those old pictures and it got me to thinking about how quickly time really does move. I have ALWAYS been resistant to change for as long as I can remember. I don't know if it was being raised in a military family and moving around a lot or if I was just born that way or if we all are resistant to change to a certain extent. I remember EVERY birthday that my mother or I had I would go to the bathroom and lock myself in and sit on the toilet and cry and cry. After my mom realized my absence she would carefully make her way to the bathroom door and knock softly and ask me if I was in there. I would sob an "Uh-huh" through muffled tears and then open the door. She would ask me why I was crying and although she always knew the answer she would wait patiently while I wrapped my little arms around her waist and squeeze so tight and say, "I'm crying because it's your (or my) birthday and that means we're getting old. And if we're getting old then that means we're gonna die!"
Looking back having a little one of my own now, I don't know how in the world she kept a straight face and got me through my crisis. But somehow, she would say all the right things that mommie's instinctively know to say and she made it all seem alright again. After the tears were sufficiently wiped away, we would walk back out to waiting family and friends to finish opening presents or cutting the cake or playing games.
I think about those childhood memories and look at who I am today and think, "Man, not much has changed." I still am SO resistant to change. But you know, the only certain thing in life is change and we must learn to ebb and flow with the river of life. I have to remind myself everyday that change is positive and can be a good thing if you keep the right perspective.
I look back over the last two years of my life and see SO SO many dramatic life changing events that have taken place and sometimes I feel like I've gotten lost in the whirlwind of it all. The biggest life change came for me when I became a mother 2 1/2 years ago. That was one of the most defining moments of my life to date. But then so many things happened afterwards that spiraled my life seemingly out of control and forced changes in my life that I would not have normally chosen.
I don't understand it all, and maybe never will, but if there's anything I've learned from this journey I've been placed on it is: simple truths keep me going, simple loves keep me strong and really...how could I ask for more?
I wrote a poem I'd like to leave on my blog today that I actually wrote almost ten years ago. It was at a time in my life where I was a newly diagnosed lupus patient and had gone through HUGE changes in my life. I was still a relative newlywed, I had lost all of my hair, I had gained a lot of weight from steroid use, and I was just a sick little girl. I remember coming home from a chemotherapy treatment and feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I remember getting situated on my couch and leaning my head back, closing my eyes and wishing and dreaming about the simpler days of my youth. Back to the days when I was just a little pesky sister who teased the life out of my sister and brother...back to the days of braided pigtails and barbies and koolaid popsicles. I closed my eyes that day and the words came pouring out that became this poem - "The Girl That Used To Be"
I WORE MY HAIR IN PIGTAILS
MADE OF GOLDEN SILK, YOU SEE
SUCH A LONG WAY BACK TO REMEMBER
THE GIRL THAT USED TO BE
MAMA SAID I WAS A HANDFUL
BUT QUITE HAPPY AND CAREFREE
I SMILE AS I RECOLLECT
THE GIRL THAT USED TO BE
DADDY MARVELED AT MY COOKING
NO MATTER HOW SIMPLE IT DID SEEM
FOR HE WAS FOREVER AND ALWAYS PROUD
OF THE GIRL THAT USED TO BE
BIG SIS AND I WOULD PLAY UPSTAIRS
OFT' TIMES WITH "KEN & BARBIE"
NEVER DREAMING THAT LIFE MIGHT VERY WELL CHANGE
THE GIRLS THAT USED TO BE
BUT SOON WE SEE LIFE MUST GO ON
WE GROW UP AND WE MUST LEAVE
THAT WONDERFUL PLACE WHERE WAS NURTURED AND LOVED
THE GIRL THAT USED TO BE
AND WE FIND "ON MY OWN" ISN'T ALWAYS THAT EASY
AND MORE OFTEN THAN NOT WE SIMPLY FAIL TO ACHEIVE
THEN WE SIT DOWN AND WISH FOR ONE DAY IN THE LIFE
OF THE GIRL THAT USED TO BE
YOU SEE I'M ALL GROWN UP NOW
LIFE'S HAND HAS BEEN DEALT TO ME
AND WITH TEARS IN MY EYES I HAVE A LONGING TO FIND
THE GIRL THAT USED TO BE
WHY DID SHE LEAVE? WHERE DID SHE GO?
IT SEEMS IT HAPPENED SO SUDDENLY
THE BLOSSOMING OF THIS WOMAN
FROM THE GIRL THAT USED TO BE
BUT...IF MY THOUGHTS COULD TAKE ME BACK
TO THAT PLACE MANY MILES FROM HERE
AND I COULD LAY ASIDE FACADES AND FRONTS
BUILT UP THROUGHOUT THE YEARS
I KNOW THAT I COULD RESURRECT
THAT CHILD CRYING OUT IN ME
AND I COULD WALK IN THE SHOES
FOR JUST A MOMENT IN TIME
OF THE GIRL THAT USED TO BE
Written by: Melanie Joleane Sullivan Rutland (1-25-97)
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